So I’m out of control…

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect on 2016. Mine was CRAZY and nothing at all like I expected it would be. FEBRUARY: our landlord of two years, came to us and said he was selling our house and we could move out or buy it. If we were moving out we had 30 days to find a new place and move.What?! We wanted to buy the house but weren’t going to be ready to in 30 days. MARCH: Daughter #1 (Punkin) got engaged last December and was planning a September wedding. They decided that a big, expensive party wasn’t what they wanted and got married in March in Estes Park with just parents and siblings. So fun! APRIL: Son #2 (Bear) made the decision to go into the Army and wanted to get married before he left. We planned a backyard wedding in three weeks and it was beautiful! MAY: I became seriously ill with a blood clot in my lung. Then they found more. Lots and lots of them. I spent a week in the hospital and over a month before I went back to work.I still have six months left of medication for it. JUNE: Bear left for Basic Training. Communication only by letters until graduation in August. That was hard on all of us. JULY: Max, the wonderdog, came to live with us. AUGUST: Bear graduated from Basic Training and our whole family was able to go and celebrate with him. We saw him a couple of days and he headed to Medic Training in San Antonio until December. SEPTEMBER: We FINALLY bought the house after negotiations all summer. Son #1 (Superman) made the decision to go into the Army and wanted to get married before he left. We planned another backyard wedding in three weeks and it was beautiful! OCTOBER: We found out that Punkin and her husband are expecting next summer! We made a trip to San Antonio to see Bear, with his wife and daughter so he could be with the baby on her birthday. NOVEMBER: Big Daddy and I went to Las Vegas for a few days and RELAXED. DECEMBER: We found out that Superman and his wife are expecting a baby next summer! We made a trip to San Antonio for Bear’s graduation and got to BRING HIM HOME!!! For the first time in 26 weeks we had the whole family together for Family Night and then for Christmas. Bear’s family just moved this week to their first station and of all the Army bases in the world it’s only 2 1/2 hours away! I’m so grateful! The head gasket went out in my Jeep and we had to go buy a new car, but it’s AWESOME! In JANUARY Superman will be leaving for Basic and we will go back to writing letters and missing our boy. (Daughter #2 (Fancy) got married 3 years ago but since I’m showing wedding pics this is hers…

2016 Summary: 3 weddings, two pregnancy announcements, 2 sons joined the Army, got a new dog, bought a house, bought a new car, a serious illness and a quick trip to Las Vegas. Talk about unexpected events. We had absolutely zero idea that ANY of those things were going to happen. Life can’t be planned. You can make a plan, but if you hold determinedly to it and can’t roll with the reality, you’re going to make yourself miserable (and probably everyone around you). All you can control are your own attitudes, actions, thoughts and words. That’s enough for most of us to take on. When you start trying to control everything else, and others in your life, you are going to be met with frustration and disappointment because it’s an impossible task, so just don’t.

Something I do every year, and with all my clients, is a handout that I call Intentional Living. It’s a simple 5 question worksheet that helps you make a plan for YOURSELF for the next year. You can only control yourself, so make a plan. Here’s the five questions:

1. Choose a single word to represent you this year.
2. Choose a phrase that is your overarching theme.
3. What will be different for you at the end of 2017?
4. What is one challenge that is standing in your way?
5. What are you committed to doing to make it your best year yet?

Take some time and write these out with your answers. Keep it on your phone, post it on your fridge, put it somewhere you can see it often to help you stay on track. It will give you a framework on which to make decisions for the year. Clients love looking back at the end of the year and seeing how they have lived out their plan, despite all the unexpected dodgeballs life threw at them. What’s your plan? I’d love for you to leave me your word or phrase in the comments!

I hope for each of you, that 2017 brings you love, laughter and beautiful memories!

Jules

 

 

 

So I’m into recycling…

When we lived in the city I was provided with a big blue box to put all my recycling in, and someone came and took it each week. It made me feel like I was doing something good. I have no idea where they took it or what they did with it, but I felt like I was contributing to the greater good of humanity by recycling. Now I live in the country. No one gave me a blue box. To recycle I have to take it into town. I don’t feel like humanity has missed my contribution. Now it all gets burned in the trash barrel. (please don’t write me and tell me if that’s bad).

My granddaughter #1 (g’baby 1) is 8. She loves upcycling. She will take nearly any piece of trash you give her and make something creative out of it. She’s pretty great at it. I’m sure TLC will give her a show any day now. I have friends that can make terrible looking furniture into beautiful things. Why throw something out if you can keep it and make it into something wonderful? (Disclaimer: Obviously some things need to be thrown out. Some relationships are toxic and need to be burned.)

Unfortunately though, we sometimes burn our relationships when we could recycle them. Sometimes we are in a relationship that isn’t working. Someone has wronged us, we have wronged someone else, we are stuck in a cycle of unhealthy communication, we are just tired of arguing, pride gets in the way of asking forgiveness or admitting wrong doing, etc. Sound familiar? Do you burn it or recycle?

I once worked with a couple that was in relationship hell. They fought, he shut down, she got louder, he had an affair, there were a lot of problems. They wanted to recycle the relationship. They both were committed. They worked hard. Both of them needed to make changes. Both of them needed new tools in their tool box. Both of them needed to put things in the blue box to get rid of. But, both of them wanted to make their marriage something wonderful. And you know what? They did. They are in a mutually satisfying marriage today, and hold one another in high regard. Because they did the work. They recycled when they could have burned it. They recycled their terrible looking relationship into something wonderful.

We live in a disposable society. I know someone that throws away Christmas lights every year because lights are cheap to replace, and they don’t want to untangle the ones from the past year. When my tribe of nearly 20 comes for family night every couple of weeks, I buy paper plates instead of washing so many dishes. We choose easy over effort too often.

The holidays can spotlight relationships with those that we choose to distance ourselves from the rest of the year. What relationships are worth your effort? One with your parents? Your siblings? Your spouse? Your best friend? Any of your friends? When do you recycle and choose effort over easy disposal? Only you can answer that. But at least consider before burning.

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous,

Jules

 

 

So I’m traditional…

My family has Christmas traditions. For 29 years, since Big Daddy and I were married, we sleep under the tree the night we decorate it, to symbolize that family is our greatest gift. (Not actually UNDER the tree, but that’s a funny visual!) As our family grew, we all six slept under the tree.  Now it’s just back to the two of us. Growing up, I had the same breakfast every Christmas of my life, and my kids have grown up having that same breakfast. Last year, we moved our family Christmas celebration to Christmas Eve, and at the insistence of my kids, for dinner we still have Christmas breakfast. My tree is covered in ornaments collected over the last 29 years. I still do stockings for my grown kids. I take goodie plates to my neighbors. I like tradition. But sometimes we have to change them or let them go.

Sometimes we have unknown traditions. Unhealthy traditions that we need to stop passing down. Traditions of sweeping conflict under the rug and  never resolving issues, traditions of arguing at full volume, traditions of proving your point at any cost. We get our tools for life from our models. This could be parents, grandparents, friends, and/or others that have had an impact on us. We observe and learn without even realizing it. A teenage client said to me, “I have no idea how normal families interact with each other.” She said that she had no models in her life of relationships where people can disagree peacefully, can argue fairly or were effective at conflict resolution.  Her parents are giving her tools, but they aren’t the best tools for the job.

I’m the queen of improvisation. If I can’t find a hammer, I use the heel of my shoe, a book or the side of a pair of pliers. Am I the only one? When I don’t have the right tool, I start trying out all kinds of things to see if they are effective. This is what we do emotionally as well. If we don’t have the right tool, we start trying out all kinds of things to see if it’s effective. If we need conflict resolution, we probably try the tool we have first.  For example if we always saw one of our parents shut down during an argument we do that, but if that doesn’t work we then start grabbing other things like anger or manipulation or dominance to see if they are effective.

Recently someone told me that she was on the toilet and realized there was no toilet paper. She asked her 2 year old to get her a roll. The little one came back first with a roll of paper towels. Her mom showed her the toilet paper roll and asked her to try again. This time she brought back a stack of napkins. All in the ballpark. All will get the job done, but not the best tool for the job.  I do that sometimes. I get in the ballpark, but instead of a bat I’m trying to use a rolling pin to hit the ball. It might hit the ball, but not as effectively as a bat would.

Here’s my question: What tools are you passing down to those you impact? and What tools/traditions do you need to get rid of and replace with something new?  When you gather with your tribe this holiday season, notice your emotional traditions. Are they effective? If not, stop. Make a change. Start a new tradition that can have an impact on generations. Actually, I know my daughters have both used shoes for hammers…maybe there is still hope for the G’babies.

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous.

Jules